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<title>i lost you (and it hurts like hell) by WILS0NSCAP</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27142949">i lost you (and it hurts like hell)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WILS0NSCAP/pseuds/WILS0NSCAP'>WILS0NSCAP</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Canon, and he gets one, only steve is dead</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:23:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,169</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27142949</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/WILS0NSCAP/pseuds/WILS0NSCAP</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>he didn’t want to be here in the first place.<br/>but this was the funeral for his partner until the end of the line, and the line ended with a funeral.<br/>a post-steve funeral sambucky fic</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i lost you (and it hurts like hell)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>based on the song hurts like hell by fleurie<br/>this takes place after endgame</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>the seat felt minuscule when bucky barnes sat in it. the dashboard felt like it was a million miles away. the man's vision blurred as tears built up in his eyes. <br/>
the past 120 minutes took him out of the stable state he’s been in for years. the reason for his stability was now dead. coming to terms with the actuality that his companion of the last eighty or so years was never coming back struck him. now he was mourning the loss in the passenger seat of sam's car. tears wouldn’t stop flooding down the man’s face. <br/>
through his fuzzy vision, bucky could see sam conversing with what he assumed were S.H.I.E.L.D agents. the black leather jackets they all wore gave it away. sam asked him earlier if he wanted to talk to everyone with him, but bucky quickly declined. he didn’t want to be here in the first place. but this was the funeral for his partner until the end of the line, and the line ended with a funeral. bucky couldn’t step off the line early.<br/>
the lonely man was stuck replaying memories with steve in his head. from the stark expo, to returning to the camp, to watching steve from above when he fell from the train. the day they ran from the government. when they reunited in wakanda and gave each other the longest hug.<br/>
 the line the two traversed on may have led them some different ways. but in the end, their two lines always met. <br/>
he was snapped out of his thoughts by feeling the cool air on his left side.<br/>
“hey man,” a deep voice rang in his ears as bucky swiveled his head to where the cool air arrived from to see sam sitting in the driver's seat. <br/>
“hey,” bucky responded, turning his head towards the people sam was interacting with earlier. as sam got adjusted in the seat, he reached over to the door handle and pulled it shut. he inserted the keys into the lock and turned them. the car started and heat blasted through the small vents.<br/>
“they had all good things to say” sam spoke, breaking the tension in the vehicle. his hands placed themselves on the steering wheel.<br/>
“who wouldn’t? he’s captain amer-” bucky would stop mid-sentence, realizing what he just said. he took a breath in.<br/>
“<em>was</em> captain america” he continued, pretending his slip-up didn’t happen.<br/>
sam wouldn’t respond. the two stayed quiet until sam’s hands left the wheel and turned the car off. he stared in the same direction bucky was looking.<br/>
“c'mon man, are we gonna leave or not?” bucky asked, starting to get annoyed with the driver. <br/>
“james, you know i'm always here for you right?” <br/>
sams voice was like being pulled up from freezing cold water into a warm hot tub. hearing his voice say his real name was different. comforting in a way. but terrifying at the same time. obviously, if he was using his full name, he was serious.<br/>
“yea, i know” bucky answered with a soft voice. he glared down at his black dress pants.<br/>
“then why don’t you tell me why you were in here crying?” sam asked, angling his head so he was studying the passenger's body language.<br/>
bucky’s hands entangled in each other. his head was now down, avoiding eye contact with sam at any cost.<br/>
“look, can we just leave? this funeral...  i can't be here” bucky begged, tears forming in his eyes. <br/>
“hey man, it’s ok to be upset. hell, there hasn’t been a day where i don't think about him” sam responded to the pleas. he sighed and placed a hand on the broken man’s shoulder.  his breathing got more rapid and a sob escaped his lips<br/>
“i lost him” bucky cried, pulling his legs to his chest.<br/>
the tears coming down his face were like a hard rainfall. <br/>
nonstop.<br/>
powerful.<br/>
realizing there was nothing he could do from the driver's seat, sam exited the car and made his way to the passenger side door and before sam could touch the door handle, the door flew open and sam pulled a sobbing bucky barnes into his arms. his right arm flew around his neck to pull bucky’s head into his shoulder. his left arm secured the man’s torso. <br/>
“you’re ok man. just breathe with me” sam suggested, taking a slow deep breath in and after a few seconds letting it all out. he tried to listen for a sign that bucky heard his suggestion, but there was none. tears still seeped through his shirt. sam brought the two of them to the ground. bucky was positioned in a way that he was on his calves and leaned into sam, who was sitting with his legs crossed with his back leaning on the car.<br/>
sam used his right hand to stroke bucky’s back in circles, continuing to breathe slowly. he noticed a difference in bucky’s breathing patterns. they were less ragged and slowly began to sync with his. sam pulled the crying man closer to him.<br/>
“it’s so hard” bucky whispered against sam’s body. using his right hand again, sam changed his strokes on the man’s back from circles to up and down from the area where his shoulder blades met to the small of his lower back. <br/>
“i know, i know. but i’m here every step of the way” sam reassured the man, using his unused left arm to pull bucky even closer so his head was buried in sam’s neck. he was now sitting in sam’s lap like a child, but all sam cared about was that his friend was ok.<br/>
“but what is life going to be like without him?” bucky asked in an airy voice.<br/>
sam sighed and thought on the question for a minute. this was one he didn’t know the answer to.<br/>
they both knew loss all too well. but this loss was on another level. it was clear that both men were clueless.<br/>
“i don’t know man, but he would want us to make the most out of it” sam answered the heartbreaking question. <br/>
bucky nodded into his neck, not having anything to say. he knew sam was right. steve was someone who didn’t waste a minute.<br/>
the rainfall from bucky’s eyes stopped and sam could feel that his breathing was even and slow. <br/>
he stopped stroking bucky’s back, stood up, and reached out a hand to grab the man who was still on the ground. he grabbed it, and now both men were standing as they made eye contact.<br/>
“we’re gonna be ok” bucky spoke up, with a smile wiping across sam’s face.<br/>
“yea, robocop, i think we will be” the other responded. <br/>
sam made his way to the driver's seat and inserted the keys. on the keychain, there was the car key, compound key, and a picture of him and steve. he smiled to himself. it was all going to be ok. especially with bucky by his side.</p>
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